My momentum is directly related to my omentum.

I woke up thinking that this morning. I think because I’d watched Dr. Oz on Oprah the night before (yay! TiVo!).

The omentum is nasty looking. Look at this. Here’s another one. If you don’t know what an omentum is, wiki it…you’ll get a few somewhat accurate facts. But basically, it’s a fatty piece of “mass” that sits in front of the stomach. From what I understand, it catches all the fat. It can get really huge. This was eye-opening for me, because I’m what you’d call an apple…so I’m guessing my omentum is pretty big.

Thinking about it makes me what to move my body and shrink my omentum. Yes, I’m weird. I’ve been dieting for over 30 years. It’s crazy-making in that way. Breaking all those thought patterns is hard. I am motivated to shrink my omentum. At least right now.

What is most frustrating for me about “dieting” is keeping the momentum going…keeping my motivation level up. When I was on Weight Watchers, I haunted the WW boards…which, by the way, are populated by some vicious, nasty, hilarious, smart, and stupid people (it takes all kinds!)…and there was a school of thought there that you don’t need motivation to lose weight. Or at least that you shouldn’t rely on motivation. The saying went, “do you need motivation to get up and brush your teeth in the morning, or to take a shower? Then you don’t need motivation to eat healthy and exercise because it’s just another way of caring for yourself.” And, yeah, yeah, I get that but when I’m hit with a craving for cake, I’m pretty likely to “care” for myself by treating me to an incredible, indulgent piece of high-fat goodness like cake.

I have tried so many ways to motivate myself over the years…this is probably why I have an actual library of diet/exercise/nutrition books and magazines. I’ve watched all the shows…Celebrity Fit Club and Biggest Loser included. (I haven’t gotten into that one about Ruby, the really huge lady on, is it Lifetime? I can’t keep up).

A little side rant about Kristen, current contestant on Biggest Loser Couples. Every week she goes on and on about how “if [she] can do it anybody can do it” blahblahblah. And every week I think, “Shut it!” Yeah, I’m pretty sure that if I spent 3 months on a fat farm where I did nothing but concentrate on losing weight…could work out 8 hours a day (with Jillian Michaels! screaming at me) and sit around and process my feelings about why I’m so fat and what has kept me from losing weight permanently for all these years and where I had the accountability of being on national TV…yeah, I’m pretty sure I’d lose weight. But Kristen…Kristen…you went on the show as a 350+ young lady…clearly, you had some issues and it took being in those special circumstances for you to turn it around. Talk to me in about 5 years and let’s see if you kept the weight off. In the mean time, don’t tell me that “if [you] can do it anybody can.” Seriously. We all get that you’re motivated on “the ranch.”

What is motivating about shows like Biggest Loser is seeing the transformations…seeing someone lose weight and feel good about themselves. I think what motivates me the most is watching them exercise and get stronger. I wish the show would focus more on how those of us at home, without a personal trainer and/or the money to join a gym could work at home with minimal investment in equipment.

Right now I’m trying to keep my motivation pretty simple. I’ve created a short list of goals that might help me:
– Flying Pig Half Marathon (to keep me walking everyday)
– Fit into my golf pants by Memorial Day weekend (to keep me eating healthy)

Ultimately…I’m trying to finally make this shift because I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror. Right now I see someone who looks really tired and sad. I want to change that for myself. I want to give myself the gift of abundant energy and a good night’s sleep. I want to give myself a sense of…I don’t know…happiness?…maybe that’s not the right word because I know from past experience that being skinny does not equal happiness or self-love. But I do think that my low-level, clinging depression is tied to my extra weight.

Meh. Still figuring it all out…