~Dory, Finding Nemo
Yes, I’ve not written in a long while…it’s been over two months for anyone who’s counting.
I have been off track and trying desperately to get back on. The pattern of losing 7 – 10 pounds for a few weeks, then engaging in self-sabotage and putting right back on was at issue. Again. Some more.
I would like to say that I’m back on track and feeling like I’ve beat it, this time! But I don’t know. I’m trying. I’m taking it one pound at a time. If that. More like one day at a time. And I’m back down the 7 pounds that I put on. So, according to the scale, I’m right where I was at my last post.
There’s something different this time. A few things actually. I’ve started to see a therapist to see if I can get to the root of, you know, “What’s Eating [Me]”…I’ve started a very good exercise regimen (circuit training)…and I’m incorporating some very deep spiritual practices into my days rather than sporadically.
Getting to the root of this thing…why do I self-sabotage? How do I keep falling off the wagon? Does the why even matter? Can I just strap myself in somehow? Getting to the root of all that is such a pain. It is not clear at all. At most, I could just say that it’s low self-esteem…it’s that I just don’t prioritize myself in ways that make me healthy and strong.
The exercise is fantastic. I am sweating like I haven’t sweated in a long time. It’s Jillian Michaels’ program. (If you’re curious, look up her first book, Winning by Losing, the circuits are in it). I like it a lot because my partner and I have a little gym we set up in our basement…it’s so easy to go down there and workout for 30-45mins. I have everything I need; a weight bench, assortment of dumbbells, an elliptical for the cardio portion (or a mini-trampoline if I want to do something different), we have the cushy gym flooring so that I can do crunches, a squats and floor stuff without killing myself, we even have a mirror so that I can keep an eye on my form.
The hardest part, so far, for me with the exercise regimen, are the off days. I’ve discovered that I’m that kind of dieter who is “all or nothing”…so taking a day off kind of pushes that button…like it almost serves to derail me. So, I’ve been doing meditation or yoga on those days so that I’m not interfering with my rest but am actually adding to the healing/relaxing part of it.
The eating is okay. I mean, I always eat fairly healthy foods…lots of whole foods…I cook a lot. But then there are times when I want my favorite meal (artisan cheeses, breads, olives, toasted nuts, dried apricots and dates, and a couple glasses of wine). Those are the times that can derail me…back to that all or nothing mentality…but since I’m trying to change how I live (not just be on a diet), I’m trying to figure out how I can still do that and not get fat. LOL. Moderation, I’m sure, is the key.
And then there’s the spiritual aspect. It has been very good…lots of meditation, lots of healing/energy work, and quite a few “ritual workings”…these are quite “shamanic” in practice (and by shaman, I’m not talking about Native American or Indigenous shamanic practices but rather, from a more “women’s mysteries” perspective). This has been so helpful to me in making this shift.
One book that has helped me on this path, lately, has been Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It’s simply amazing. I wanted to end this blog post with a poem that I read in it…it’s by the mystic, Rumi…
This being human is a guest house,
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!…
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.