>”I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive…”
This week was really hard. I was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. All the stress really pushed my “jump off the wagon NOW!” buttons.
Monday morning kicked off the week with a crappy beginning. It didn’t get better. I had two proposals due by week’s end. One of them was fairly complicated and meant that I had to do as much working with “personalities” as writing. The physical/emotional/mental stress that seemed never-ending this week would usually be something that would exhaust me…so much so that I wouldn’t feel like going to the gym…or wouldn’t feel like making my breakfast/lunch/dinner. This kind of stress usually makes me want to “treat” myself.
It used to be…that to “treat” myself was all about sitting on the sofa and watching TV and eating cake. And this would have been the week because I had to spend a lot of time on computer. I ended up getting up early in the mornings and working all day and into the evening for these proposals. So yeah, I was sitting in front of the TV for a large portion of that time.
I wonder if a lot of my self-sabotage is all about how stress pushes me into old habits? Because how have a dealt with stress and anxiety for much of my life? By numbing out and “treating” myself. Because nothing else seems to get me through the stressful times.
But, what I didn’t realise is that things change. Habits and ways of being do change if you keep at it. There was a time where I never thought I would be the kind of person who actually drinks mostly water…mostly fresh, pure, still, room temp water. And some how…I find that this water is something that I crave the way I used to crave Diet Dr. Pepper. And I can’t believe that I ever drank two 2 liters of that crap every single day.
So this week…I continued with my workouts. And I ate well. I ate healthy foods…took my vitamins…drank lots of water. The workouts were not as intense…I eased up on that a bit…not hitting those 500 calorie burns (my daily fitness goal)…but I made it to the gym at least 3 times this week. And in the face of a powerful temptation (box of chocolate covered cherries)…I refused them. Yes! Bonbons to eat while I sit on the sofa and numb out to some stupid TV show…and I refused them.
Tuesday night, Cathy and I were watching Biggest Loser (speaking of stupid TV shows, right? ). But, Cathy turns to me and says, “Why don’t we do a Biggest Loser week?” And I thought it was a great idea. So I said, “Yes! Let’s do it!” It was the right amount of motivation and just the right time…I so needed to hear that because suddenly it felt like I wasn’t in this by myself. It’s so motivating when my partner is as invested in creating a healthy/fit lifestyle as I am. Much of the time I feel pretty self-motivated but sometimes, when I’m feeling the most stressed out, it helps to have someone right there to say, “Let’s do this!”
I weighed on Wednesday morning and really must have been retaining water because I had jumped back up to my “Christmas 2009” weight. So Wednesday morning I thought, “Yeah this BL week is good because it will help me turn this ‘weight gain’ back around.”
I weighed myself yesterday and was happy to see a smaller number on the scale. And then weighed myself this morning (Yeah, yeah, I know!!!) and am happy to say I’m back to my “pre-Christmas 2009” weight. 181.
Since January I have really been trying to work on my stressors…I’ve been trying to go with the flow more. This week, I think I achieved it. Like a salmon swimming upstream, I dove deeper so that I could avoid the churning/rushing water on the surface.
I feel that I was pretty successful this week…of course there could have been better moments but “progress, not perfection” is the balance I’m seeking.