>In my last post, I touched on the issues of the last two weeks…thought it might be good to explore that a little more.
Ashling wondered if there was a correlation between my success at work and my feelings of not being good enough/feeling insecure. I would tend to agree. Am I the only one who does this?
So wait a minute, let me wrap my head around this…most of the time I feel very insecure at work. I think that I don’t project that insecurity…I think I project an image of confidence and friendliness. But, for the most part, I usually feel like I haven’t done enough or that I have a million things to do. Or I feel like someone’s going to walk up and go, “You suck, get out.”
And here’s where it really gets weird. So even when ‘work’ praises me and, even, gives me a formal/tangible appreciation of the work I do (they gave me an “Employee Spotlight” award/certification at work the other day…company wide recognition for Q1) that somehow triggered me to sabotage myself.
You don’t know how hard it has been to keep myself from falling completely off the wagon this week. Thank the gods that I didn’t run up to Kroger and buy a coconut cake and eat it. Seriously. Cake feels decadent. Cake feels like ‘fuck it! I’m fine being fat!” Cake feels like I’m treating myself kindly after a long day of feeling like I’m not good enough at work (which is about 4 out 5 days).
And, I’ve realized lately, the weight of that insecurity manifests physically in me. What a revelation! It weighs me down and makes me really tired, makes my joints ache, makes me want to come home, lay on the sofa and watch TV. It makes me cranky with the people I love and bitchy to people I don’t like.
I didn’t know how to get out of this. It’s that same old circle that I’ve been spinning around in for years…forever. It seems.
Since I’m not a religious person but am spiritual (a mystic, if you will)…I decided to appeal to a higher power…to the Universe/God/Goddess/Divine and my higher self. But in a very practical manor. I started by drawing a bath.
I placed a candle, a small statue of a meditating woman, a stick of nag champa incense, and a small jade rock with the word “walk” carved into it, on the sink. I lit the candle and the incense while the bath filled up (to it, I added herbs of chamomile and lavendar, and about a cup of sea salt). As I dry brushed my body, I began with a chant, “I love my body.”
When I sank into the hot, sweet smelling bath water, I changed my mantra to “let go”…to let go of negative emotions or perceived mistakes. Then I closed my eyes and just concentrated on my breath and the thought, “everything is okay.”
When I got out of the tub, as I dried off, I chanted, “thank you.” I held the rock in my hand and looked into the flame of the candle and visualized myself walking my way to health. I blew out the candle and carried the rock with me for the next several days.
The big picture is…for me…it’s not about the fat or the number on the scale. It is about dealing with the baggage of my eating disordered thinking (see the paragraph about what cake means to me above!)…it’s about finding place of peace rather than living in a constant state of feeling bad about myself…of feeling undeserving and physically worn down.
So I got back on the treadmill on Thursday. And then I did it again on Friday. And I’m about to go for a walk now. I feel like I’ve gotten a little further down my path…