Tags

, , , ,

How many times can I use that as a title?

How many times can I start over? It’s been a long time coming but I am finally understanding that we are always in a state of change and renewal.

I had 5 good months…5 months when I was focused on making myself feel better. And, just recently, I’ve had 3 not-so-good months…3 months when my self-esteem has been so low and so…fragile.

You know what I’m just realizing? Even though, for the most part, I really like my job – mostly, I feel like TPTB think I’m a complete and total idiot (like I’m a 13 year old playing at marketing). It seems like they never like my ideas or my vision. Like I’m too rough around the edges, not shiny enough and polished like they are. I feel like my self-esteem takes a beating all day while I’m at work, which tends to make me hyper-sensitive to any kind of criticism when I’m not working. Which makes it seem like I am being constantly bombarded with never, ever, ever getting it right.

I have a pervasive and deep sense of “not being good enough” that began when I was just a baby (or maybe I was, to quote Lady Gaga, “born this way”).

This is the source of my suffering.

And knowing this helps me, how?

It tells me that, above all things, I must show myself compassion. I must forgive myself for not being perfect. I must…

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Begin again…

**************

Edited to add the below:

Advertisements