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but…

Sometimes I am just so sick of myself and often, this blog, seems so self-indulgent.

The point, though, was that I write this blog to hold up a mirror for other women who might see themselves in me.

Peri-menopause…my peri-menopause is like living in a fog of emotion. I have always been the “sensitive” one…the one who cries at sappy commercials…but this thing…god. It’s like having pms all the time. Physcially and emotionally.

Every now and then I’ll have a moment of clarity when I can actually see the big picture and I feel embarrassed by my self-indulgence. I am shamed by how long my inner whiner/victim  was allowed to run roughshod through my life.

This morning, I am thinking, “man oh man, I have got to get a grip.”

My inner bitch is all, “Seriously. What is your problem? You must not REALLY want to change.”

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I posted a little bit about this on my Facebook page…I went t the doctor on Friday. Long story short, she gave me a prescription for some anti-anxiety meds. Heh. Has it come to this? Am I just a hysterical woman?

I said to Cathy, the other night, “whatever happened to valium?” Sometimes, I feel like that’s all I need, just to calm the fuck down and chill out.

I’ve self-medicated with food and wine for years. It’s just not working any more.

I told Cathy that I want to change my evening routine. I come home and my mind is just spinning…whirling with so much of the day. And I feel like I’ve had people pulling on me all day — usually about such stupid shit. Like I don’t get how people can be so stupid sometimes – so very thoughtless and pissy. But I come home and I am often famished and so jacked up that I need to calm down. One of the first things I do is pour a glass of wine. Then I might eat a handful of nuts, then a wedge of cheese and few crackers. Then I cook dinner and then I just sit on the sofa for the rest of the night, alternating between working and watching TV.

I’m sorry to say, I’ve put everything else in my life on the back burner.

So I want to change this routine. It is not healthy for me. It’s making me miserable.

I want to come home and immediately do some meditation to calm my mind. This means that I will need to have a snack shortly before I leave work – something clean and that will give me enough energy that I won’t feel hungry for a few hours. After meditating, ideally, I’d like to do about a half hour of yoga to counter-effect the day of sitting at my computer. Then I’d like to make a clean healthy dinner — I’d like it to be mostly salad of some kind and nice protein. I’d like to sit at the dining room table to eat it and chat with Cathy. Then I want to listen to music and read or journal or both. I want to be mostly unplugged at night…not working, not watching TV.  I want to go to bed and sleep soundly and then rise in the morning full of energy and ready to get my exercise on!

So I think making this change starts with preparing for the week on Sunday. Getting stuff together that makes it easy to make a clean/quick dinner. Getting the right snacks to have before I leave the office…

What’s great is that I am surrounded by love and have so much support — so thankful for that!

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