So I did something – fairly out of character – I had a meltdown.
Yeah. It was pretty bad and definitely indicative of the stress levels I have been living with for the past 6 months.
It was, most definitely, a perfect storm.
Combine a 47-year-old woman who is going through peri-menopause (I think I’ve posted about my struggles with this already – yeah, it’s ongoing – too bad there’s not a magic pill for the BS that comes with this hormonal ‘one two punch’)…add to that your everyday garden variety stresses…throw in an event where, at seemingly every turn, someone is there yelling at you because you were told to suddenly changing everything (at the last minute), or a contract you negotiated has failed to deliver (that happened several times – though I did get my money back on two counts), or mere minutes before a big moment, someone comes in a effs up everything, and bingo – meltdown.
Yeah, I cried. At a work event. In front of my boss. And my boss’s boss.
On Friday, after everyone had left (mostly). I went to a spa down the street and treated myself to a pedicure (the hotel treated me to an hour and a half massage!!). I picked pink for my toes. Bubblegum pink. A color I haven’t worn since…well, probably since I was 16.
For a little while, I felt reborn. The hormone fog cleared for a few minutes and I felt like I was slipping back into my skin…a homecoming of my old self.
Sometimes I really feel like I must be going crazy. No one told me about the fog that rolls in and swaths us with endless layers of depression and anxiety – that pushes us so far out onto that ledge…
Somedays I feel like my 16-year-old self was so much stronger…so much more confident…
I am desperate to save myself from the woman I’ve grown up to be. This woman is so hard – so stressed out – so…not fun.
I am desperate to find my way back to the girl I once was. The one who smiled effortlessly…the one who glowed with passion and adventure…the one who really didn’t give a rat’s ass about coloring in the lines. I want to be that girl who never said no. And when she wanted something or wanted to do something, she made magic happen.
Oh, I know…I know…put on my big girl panties…buck up…take a pill…take a week – hell, take a month. Or better yet, just shut the hell up. Don’t let anyone know and everything will be alright.
I’ve hit bottom before. I know the lingo.
What do you do when you fall? How do you catch yourself? How do you fix it?