We both have some weight to lose but it’s more than that. I think, for both of us, we have been unhappy with who we are for years…years. Somehow, a long time ago, we began to equate “thin” with “the best I can be”. We are both controlling, perfectionistic, creative, surrounded by love and support, falliable, emotional eaters. Both of us are constantly trying to lose X pounds. And both of us are constantly falling off the wagon.
I think there’s so many people out there just like us.
While I was in Florida, my partner had my car detailed (thanks, Honey!)…she had a bag of stuff from my car waiting for me to sort through. I found a little notebook from 2006. In it, I had diligently kept track of my weight and my calories consumed. It was a food journal. Guess what? I weigh exactly the same as I did 6 years ago.
All that money I’ve spent on diets, cleanses, food – trying to lose weight – all that time and energy that I focused on changing myself and losing the weight I gained 7 years ago – all the starts and stops…and 6 years later, I’m still in the same place???
I kind of don’t even know what to do with that.
How does one process it? Does it matter? I wonder what Jillian Michaels would say to me? Probably that I have to really want to change?
Is that it? Have I not wanted it enough?
What is it? What can I do? God. I’m so sick of this journey. Of constantly trying and never moving…not even one step. WTF?
So anyway – I read this blog and I can tell…I know this girl so well because I know me…as soon as she stops writing, I know she’s fallen off track. I want to write her and give her the support that I dearly wish someone would give me (because, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this – when we are struggling, we must ask for help and get the support we need). I want to tell her that she is letting herself down once again and that making yet another promise or trying yet another fad isn’t the answer (the yogurt cleanse? really? yes you will release some weight after 3 days of yogurt – any time you cut out a food group you are going to lose weight – but hell, maybe that’s the point. I don’t know anymore).
But I don’t because the last time I posted a comment in response to one of her blog posts, she deleted me. 🙂 I wasn’t mean or anything but I said what I thought I’d want to hear in her situation and, I guess, I was wrong. She didn’t want to hear that. And honestly, I do the same thing. God, we emo eaters are so touchy. I think it’s part of the perfectionist tendencies…you know, we know what’s best for us and don’t you dare try to tell me differently! 😉
So here’s the thing…if everything I’ve done over the past 6 years hasn’t worked – then maybe I need to change what I’ve been doing. Maybe I need to let go of the idea that I need to lose weight. Maybe I need to just eat clean, get some brisk cardio and a nice long meditative stretch on a daily basis…and that’s it. Let go of the attachment to any weight loss outcome. Just focus on doing things that will heal the broken parts of me.
To change my life, I am going to have to take a different path. The focus simply can no longer be on weight. It is scary for me to say that – because losing weight or being in the process of losing weight has been such a major part of my life for so long…it’s like an emotional crutch.
I need a shift in perspective. I need some magic (changing consciousness at will). My focus needs to be on having more energy, being more flexible, feeling good in my body – being able to flow and move easily.
Getting there will be from moving daily and feeding myself good, wholesome, real foods and supplements. It will come from learning to observe and rather than to REACT to every little blip on the radar.