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p110174_1A couple of days ago it dawned on me that I’ve been punishing myself for a while now.

Like most control freaks, I hate to fail. Hate it.

So here’s the thing – I have been fixated on a situation that I can’t seem to let go of.

As long as I can remember, when I feel that I’ve failed or let someone down I just want to run and hide. It seems the only way I can forgive and forget is to distance myself from myself. So I eat the wrong things and I hide away in my house. I draw the blinds in my office and try not to have to interact or talk to anyone unless I really have to.

I can’t bear the thought that people will look at me and see that I am flying by the seat of my pants – I don’t want them to see through the careful illusion of control that I’ve spun like a web around me.

I guess it all comes down to fear – fear of being unlovable, always fearful of the people I love leaving me, fear of losing what I have.

So it’s almost like I create the situations that I fear the most.

Rationally, I know the truth of that…

I always hesitate to write about stuff like this because I don’t want to sound like someone who just whines and trots out excuse after excuse – with nothing ever changing.

But then I think that surely someone out there is feeling just like this.

And you know what? I just don’t want to be a fat, middle-aged woman who just bitches about her situation.

I want to change my life.

I am going to change my life.

I am changing my life.


How to: The following is based on something I read in 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers, PSY.D.

Take a moment to deep breathe. Take in three deep breaths. Consciously reposition your body so that you can feel your lungs opening up. Often, when we are hurting, we will hunch our shoulders and draw in as if to protect the heart – do the opposite, throw your shoulders back and chin up. The shake your body – hands, arms, feet, legs, booty and belly – as you shake say to yourself “I am letting go of whatever is happening.” See the negative thoughts falling away from your body. Do a little more deep breathing and repeat the whole thing if you are still feeling gross.