For months and months I have been a sporadic blogger at best. Sometimes I just go through a period when I don’t have a lot to say. Or I feel like I’m just saying the same old things over and over. More often than not, when I’m not writing it is because I am stuck.
For about a year I have been in a funk that peaked at the beginning of February. Lots of things contributed to it – I was depressed, fearful, hormonal, tired of feeling like nothing I did was ever, ever good enough, heavier than I had ever been, angry – at myself for being so freaked out and unable to pull it together, and resentful of those around me – for constantly wanting something from me when I had nothing to give.
I guess I hit the bottom.
But gradually, slowly, with teeny tiny baby steps, I began to walk towards a path of healing. The steps were so small that I don’t think I can even pinpoint where/when the shift happened.
In May I began, seriously to challenge my tightly held beliefs of what would help me. I decided that if I was going to change, it would take trying things I’d previously thought I couldn’t/wouldn’t do. I decided that I would do everything I could to change my life.
Like, getting advice (and actually following it) from a couple of trusted friends, scheduling an appointment with a body image coach, weighing myself everyday (more on this later), COUNTING CALORIES DAILY and tracking them (I never thought I would do that again), establishing a regular meditation practice, doing more yoga by myself without a studio or personal yoga teacher, and so many other, HUGE and small, things that I never thought I’d do or just plain didn’t want to.
And where am I now?
I am feeling lighter (emotionally and physically – 23lbs and counting). I am feeling more at peace – about who I am, what I want, and what I can do – which, by the way, is so much more than I ever thought possible. I am feeling happier – at work and at home. And I am feeling more confident – like nothing can stop me now.
I hate to have it all boil down to a number on the scale but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that that is a large part of my shift. The other day my partner said, “You seem like a different person. You are so much happier when you are eating healthier.” And that is true.
I have discovered magic and music in my life again – I had begun to believe that there was never any magic, never a song…but as it turns out, it was there all along…I just had to look in a different place.