Lightbulb Moment No.17

Tags

aha moment, content, feeling, happiness, happy, joy, light bulb moment

Oprah called them “aha!” moments.

So I was driving to work this morning and I was thinking about how glad I was that I actually got out and walked before work. Next thing I knew, I was thinking about numbers on a scale – specifically, my numbers and how much weight I wanted to lose and if I lost X pounds then I’d be happy and then…

And then a little voice said, “Stop right there!”

And so I unpacked that thought just a little bit. I actually, finally, heard myself say, “…if I lost 40 pounds then I’d be happy.”

I smiled to myself a little bit because I knew then that sometimes we lie to ourselves without even batting an eyelash. Sometimes we say things and we just take them as gospel without ever questioning the truth of it.

The truth of it is this – losing 40 pounds won’t make me happy. Neither would losing 50, or 60.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I am UNhappy. Not all the time. Somewhere along the way I mashed up unhappiness, depression and anxiety into one mood, one thing, one big ass heavy backpack that I throw on each and every morning.

So I am forever seeking a way to lay down my burden and reach the gates of the land of Happy and spend forever after there.

I am learning that it doesn’t work that way. The fairy tales we read as children led us all to believe that we could, actually, live happily ever after. But happiness doesn’t work that way.

I thought happiness was not having a care in the world. I thought happiness was not worrying about paying bills and balancing your checkbook. I thought happiness was a clean house and having the best clothes/car/phone…boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, children. AND my definition of happiness definitely meant that I would be at my perfect weight. That I would be pretty. That I would be loved.

But it occurred to me, this morning, that I am most happy when I am exercising daily and eating right. Maybe ‘happy’ isn’t the right word…maybe it’s ‘content’ but that doesn’t quite capture that feeling of promise and “HEY – this feels good. I feel good!”

Last year, when I was training for the Flying Pig – for about 4.5 months, I was eating really well and walking 3-6 miles a day. I was feeling really good and that expanded into other parts of my life as well. I remember one day in particular when I just felt really good…I think it was an endorphin high…and I thought, “This!! This is me being happy.”

So it’s not really that I want to lose X pounds, it’s that I want to feel like that day, last year, again and again.

Forgive and forget…

Tags

control freak, fear, flying by the seat of my pants, unlovable

A couple of days ago it dawned on me that I’ve been punishing myself for a while now.

Like most control freaks, I hate to fail. Hate it.

So here’s the thing – I have been fixated on a situation that I can’t seem to let go of.

As long as I can remember, when I feel that I’ve failed or let someone down I just want to run and hide. It seems the only way I can forgive and forget is to distance myself from myself. So I eat the wrong things and I hide away in my house. I draw the blinds in my office and try not to have to interact or talk to anyone unless I really have to.

I can’t bear the thought that people will look at me and see that I am flying by the seat of my pants – I don’t want them to see through the careful illusion of control that I’ve spun like a web around me.

I guess it all comes down to fear – fear of being unlovable, always fearful of the people I love leaving me, fear of losing what I have.

So it’s almost like I create the situations that I fear the most.

Rationally, I know the truth of that…

I always hesitate to write about stuff like this because I don’t want to sound like someone who just whines and trots out excuse after excuse – with nothing ever changing.

But then I think that surely someone out there is feeling just like this.

And you know what? I just don’t want to be a fat, middle-aged woman who just bitches about her situation.

I want to change my life.

I am going to change my life.

I am changing my life.

 

How to: The following is based on something I read in 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers, PSY.D.

Take a moment to deep breathe. Take in three deep breaths. Consciously reposition your body so that you can feel your lungs opening up. Often, when we are hurting, we will hunch our shoulders and draw in as if to protect the heart – do the opposite, throw your shoulders back and chin up. The shake your body – hands, arms, feet, legs, booty and belly – as you shake say to yourself “I am letting go of whatever is happening.” See the negative thoughts falling away from your body. Do a little more deep breathing and repeat the whole thing if you are still feeling gross.

Simple Pasta Salad

Tags

clean eating, easy, organic, pasta salad, recipe, simple

I used to make this all the time…back before I started eating real food. Back when I thought organics were ugly, small, and ridiculously expensive. (Hey! organics have come a LONG way in the last 20 years.)

Anyway, the last time I made this was on May 3rd, 2008. No, I don’t have that perfect recall memory that Marylou Henner has. I cooked the food for my commitment ceremony reception. Yes, I cooked all the food on that special day – but, I love to cook and it was a really small party sooooo…

Alright – the recipe…

Ingredients: Make them all organic – seriously, nothing that’s going into this salad should be conventional because it really is that easy and as cheap to eat better in this instance. AND all this stuff is in season right now.

• Organic fusilli – I know I could have gone whole wheat but didn’t wanna!
• Organic tomato, cucumber, onion, mushrooms, broccoli, and black olives
• Organic chopped fresh herbs – I like thyme and parsley in this
• Your favorite organic dressing or just use olive oil, lemon juice, dab of mustard, and some finely chopped herbs

Method:

Prep veggies. Chop ‘em fine, peel ‘em or not, and chop up a lot – we all need to eat more veggies (I gotta tell you – I LOVE my knife – it makes prep work so much easier with a beautifully balanced, very sharp knife! Thanks to my brother for the great Christmas gift!)

Bring a pot of water to a boil and add broccoli for 2 mins. Use a slotted spoon to lift out of pot and place into an ice bath (this is perfectly blanched broccoli).

Add pasta to boiling broccoli water. Stir and add a pinch of salt if you want.

 

 

 

When pasta is al dente, drain and let cool a little bit, then add to the bowl of chopped veg – drizzle on some dressing or olive oil – don’t go crazy, a little goes a long way. Add a few tablespoons, then stir it up and then add more if you need it.

Et voila, simple pasta salad. Serve a cup on top of some mixed organic baby greens. Toss on some crumbled feta or shredded chicken for some clean protein.

This is super easy to make and you really can make it your own. Try different pastas – shapes and flavors. Try different veggies – get what’s in season and local if possible. I should have added some blanched asparagus to this because it’s so abundant right now. Try different herbs – I tend to go fresh since I grow them but if you have a good dried herb, use it! My pasta salad usually tastes better after it’s had a chance to marinate. Will keep well in fridge, covered, for 4 days.

When life gives you lemons…

If only it were that simple.

I have been struggling for awhile now…and everything came to a head in early February. I was pushed too far and was under a lot of pressure. I was completely stressed out.

I have not been focused on weight loss – it was all I could do to make it through the day without locking myself in a room and screaming my head off.

I have been dealing with crushing depression and anxiety for about 6 months. And when I went to my doctor in January she told me that “hormonal fluctuation during peri-menopause is a myth” – that it doesn’t cause radical mood swings or any of the other symptoms that I was having. She made basically told me that I should get into talk therapy and everything would be fine.

Except that I’ve been in talk therapy before – for years. I know what that is all about. And, while it helped me deal with an old situation and understand the cause of my feelings/emotions at the time, for the most part, it didn’t change who I was – it didn’t change my personality. It didn’t make me a better person. And frankly, when my doctor was pushing talk therapy on me in January, I thought, “why? how is that going to help?” I didn’t want to go find a therapist and sit there once a week and cry and carry on about how no one understands me and why can’t I lose weight and what the hell is wrong with me and wahwahwah. I didn’t want to explore my childhood or past traumas. I’ve already done that and that has very little to do with this – this heaviness, this explosive unrelenting anger, this depression that wrapped itself around me like a fog – warping my perception and making me feel like I was really going crazy.

There was no joy. No beauty. No music.

My partner said, “you’ve stopped singing.” And it was true. I stopped listening to music – used to be I’d listen to music all day and I worked out to great playlists – a great playlist could get me out the door and walking.

Instead I woke up each day, after a night of tossing and turning, to my stomach fluttering with dread and hopelessness every few minutes. I was sick with worry. The stress was like a yoke that I strapped on each morning and trudged through my day – grinding out the same old pattern.

In the meantime, I would see all these people posting on Facebook about their amazing weight loss – and, you know, all you have to do is set goals, and count calories, and exercise, and drink this shake, and eat like this, and do it for you!!!, and keep pushing, keep trying, don’t fail, don’t fail, don’t FAIL. They’d post pictures of young women in athletic wear and write “inspirational” messages about how having a perfectly toned ass made all the hard work and constant vigilance worth it.

I think it added to my depression. Made me feel like more of a failure. It was like a chorus chanting, “You’re doing it wrong. You’re a failure.”

Maybe I should have turned it off – right?! But I was also trying to build a community of support for other women who were dealing with the same kind of thing I was. And mixed in with all that stupid crap and trite platitudes, were some messages that resonated with me. About a month or so ago someone said, “stop focusing on weight loss” — actually, my doctor said it — the same doctor who told me that I wasn’t dealing with hormones, that I was just crazy, also told me to stop focusing on weight loss – that I could not deal with that until I got a handle on my stress/anxiety and depression.

And then someone else said it and then I finally heard. So I’ve started focusing on self-love rather than self-loathing. But it was more than that, for sure - I have begun to open to healing in a way I never would have before. Mainly because I was/am desperate to get out of hole I find myself in.

Unfortunately for me, there’s not a happy ending…not yet…I’ve only just found my voice…I realized I’d started singing again — last week, through more bad news, I still sang and looked on the bright side – found the silver lining…just when I thought, “this is it, I’m done,” hope tip-toed in on stocking feet…quietly, softly.

Everything might be okay afterall.

Chocolate Covered Strawberries & Banana Bon-Bons

Tags

banana bon-bons, chocolate covered strawberries, organic bananas, organic chocolate, organic strawberries

Want a delicious treat? Dip fruit in melted chocolate – it’s relatively low in calories and you get the benefit of eating fresh fruit!

I made two things today. Chocolate covered strawberries and banana bon-bons. Both are so light but taste so decadent.

Get yourself some good organic dark chocolate and some fresh organic fruit. Break the chocolate in to little pieces and place in a microwave safe glass bowl (or if you are leery of using a microwave, melt the chocolate in a double boiler – you can mimic one by filling a pot with water and placing a glass bowl on top, bring to a low boil and keep an eye on the chocolate).

Prep your fruit and work surface. Wash the strawberries and dry with a paper towel. Peel the banana and chop into 1/2″ pieces. Place a piece of parchment paper on a flat surface (like a plate) and place another piece of parchment on a baking sheet.

If you microwave, do it in 20 second intervals – take out and stir each time. It won’t take long to melt – maybe a minute or so.

Working quickly, dip the strawberries into the chocolate one at a time and place on the parchment covered plate. Set aside.

Now do the same for the banana and place on the parchment covered baking sheet chocolate side up.

When you’re done place the baking sheet of bananas in the freezer for about an hour. Serve immediately or store in a freezer bag.

You can eat the strawberries when the chocolate hardens. Store in the fridge if you must. I try to only make enough to eat that day/night.

  

Spring Cleaning: Out with the old, in with the new…

Tags

changing, spring cleaning

I am looking forward to this spring. I am ready for new, clean energy!

Today, I’m taking a bunch of stuff over to Good Will – old clothes and electronics – hopefully others will find a way to repurpose the stuff that no longer serves me.

We have been sick for the past two weeks and I am itching to clean the house and get it sparkling. I wish it were warm enough to open all the windows – would love to get some fresh air circulating through the house for the weekend. It’s still really cold out so it’s really not an option right now. My work around? I plan to sit outside for a few hours today.

This year is going to be full of change – I have plans to make major changes in my life – physically, emotionally, and mentally. A few months ago I was in a different space…I knew that I wanted to make some changes but was just too busy and too tired to do anything about it. And now? I’m just fed up.

Last fall I went out with a friend who I have a bit in common with and who I had worked with on a few work projects – she told me about this book she’d read and really loved called A Place of Yes by Bethenny Frankel (one of the Skinny Bitch ladies) – she told me about her own work with a life coach and while I was excited for her, I didn’t feel like I needed to make any major changes at the time. Since then my hormones have gone wacky and there have been some shifts in other areas that have illuminated pockets of unhappiness in my life. I picked up the book a few days ago and have begun to read it but, symbolically, it feels like I’m coming to my own place of yes.

I no longer want to associate myself with people who constantly tell me, in word and deed, that I’m not good enough.

It’s a beautiful day out – so I am going to cut this post short – no need to sit here and whine!

Have you ever felt like this – like you need to spring clean your life?

Baked Chiles Rellenos with Smokey Tomato Sauce

Tags

400 calories, chiles rellenos, delicious, poblano chiles

Baked Chiles Rellenos with Smokey Tomato Sauce – ADD canned pinto beans, 1/2 cup rinsed/drai ned (265 + 122 ca lories)

Serves 6

Ingredients

Chiles Rellenos

• 6 large poblano chiles
• 2 tsp. vegetable oil
• 1/2 medium onion, chopped (1 cup)
• 1 medium zucchini, chopped (1 cup)
• 1/2 cup fresh or frozen corn kernels
• 1 cup shredded low-fat Cheddar or Monterey Jack cheese
• 1 large egg
• 1 cup panko breadcrumbs
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro
• 1 lime, cut into 6 wedges
• 1/4 cup low-fat sour cream or plain yogurt

Sauce

• 2 tsp. vegetable oil
• 1/2 medium onion, chopped (1 cup)
• 2 tsp. chili powder
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 28-oz. can whole tomatoes
• 1 canned chipotle chile in adobo sauce, drained

Method

• To make Chiles Rellenos: Roast and peel chiles. Cut 3-inch slit in each chile, and remove seeds with spoon.
• Preheat oven to 425°F. Heat oil in skillet over medium heat. Add onion, and cook 5 minutes, or until soft. Add zucchini and corn, and cook 5 minutes more. Season with salt, if desired. Transfer to bowl, and stir in cheese.
• Stuff each chile with 1/2 cup zucchini mixture. Secure closed with toothpicks.
• Whisk egg with 1/2 cup water in bowl. Spread breadcrumbs on plate.
• Dip chiles in egg wash. Coat with breadcrumbs. Place on baking sheet, and bake 15 to 25 minutes, or until golden.
• To make Sauce: Heat oil in saucepan over medium heat. Add onion, chili powder, and cumin, and cook 4 to 5 minutes, or until onion is soft and spices are fragrant. Add tomatoes, and simmer 10 minutes, breaking up tomatoes with spatula or wooden spoon. Transfer to blender, add chipotle chile, and blend on low speed until Sauce is smooth. Serve Chiles Rellenos with Sauce, cilantro, lime wedges and sour cream.

Homemade Granola

Tags

clean eating, delicioous, homemade granola, vegan, yummy

This recipe was inspired by my brother – he sent me his recipe and I just substituted some ingredients because I had it in the pantry and thought it would be a good add. Per usual, I use organic and/or local ingredients whenever possible.

Ingredients

• 2 1/4 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
• 1/2 cup sliced almonds
• 1/4 cup red quinoa
• 1/4 c brown sugar
• a few tablespoons flax-seed
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ground nutmeg (honestly, I don’t know how much I used – I just used the micro-plainer to add fresh nutmeg)
• 1/2 c fresh orange juice
• 3 tbsp grape seed oil
• 1/8 c agave nectar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 3/4 cup assorted chopped dried fruit (mainly apricots, some dried cherries, and some raisins)

 

Method

• Preheat oven to 300F.  Spray rimmed baking sheet with nonstick spray or line the sheet with parchment paper.
• Mix oats, almonds, brown sugar, quinoa, flaxseed, cinnamon, and nutmeg in large bowl. 
•  Bring OJ, oil, and syrup to a boil in small saucepan. Turn off and stir in vanilla.
•  Drizzle OJ mixture over dry ingredients; toss to coat.  Spread granola evenly on baking sheet. 
•  Bake granola until golden brown, stirring occasionally, about 50 minutes.  Divide fruit between sheets and toss to coat; bake granola 10 minutes longer. 

Let cool and store in an airtight container. If you don’t eat it up because it tastes so freaking good, it should last about a week.

I like to top my plain greek yogurt with a heaping 1/2 cup of the stuff (and a tbsp of chia seeds and possibly a thin sliced banana!). God knows what the nutrition information is. I think this is a good mix though – the quinoa and almonds will give a good amount of protein, the spices are beneficial. Yeah, I put some brown sugar in it but also used agave instead of maple syrup for a more balanced glycemic load. The dried fruit is going to give you some more sugar but also some fiber. The grape seed oil will give you a good, clean fat. I’d guess that a 1/4 cup is probably around 200 calories? If you decide to do the math on this, let me know!

Letting go of attachments…

Tags

meditation, no weight loss, nurture, obessive behavior, two wolves

In my last post, I vowed to let go of my attachment to a weight loss outcome. I said I was going to stop obsessively plotting to lose weight and would, instead, concentrate my efforts on just eating clean, whole foods that are capable of nourishing and healing my body. I said that I would spend my energy on moving by stretching and walking/running…that’s where I need to put my energy and thoughts.

Moving to this kind thinking is actually revolutionary for me.

I think that attachment to weight loss is about my obsessive need for approval. And the more I chase after approval, the more controlling I become and the more attached I feel to the idea that I must lose weight. And all of that is just getting in my own way…it’s how I sabotage myself.

So how to break free from that cycle?

I’m not going to sugar coat it…this is hard. Because there’s that niggling voice that says, “if you do this right, you’ll lose weight.”

But meditation is teaching me that that voice – that “you’ll lose weight!” thought – is still my brain clinging to my obsessive need for approval.

It turns out that I have thousands of thoughts a day that feed into that obsession.

All of this reminds me of the little parable that’s winding its way through the Facebook – the Cherokee parable called Two Wolves:

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old chief simply replied,
“The one you feed.”

Yeah, you try to stop feeding one wolf, while nurturing the other! It ain’t easy!

This weekend, to nurture the good wolf, I’ll eat clean and move around and try not to think, “this is going to make me lose weight!”

How to let go…

Tags

changing, growth, letting go, perfectionist, stagnent, stuck, weight loss

There’s a blog I’ve been reading for a couple of years…the writer is a lot like me.

We both have some weight to lose but it’s more than that. I think, for both of us, we have been unhappy with who we are for years…years. Somehow, a long time ago, we began to equate “thin” with “the best I can be”. We are both controlling, perfectionistic, creative, surrounded by love and support, falliable, emotional eaters. Both of us are constantly trying to lose X pounds. And both of us are constantly falling off the wagon.

I think there’s so many people out there just like us.

While I was in Florida, my partner had my car detailed (thanks, Honey!)…she had a bag of stuff from my car waiting for me to sort through. I found a little notebook from 2006. In it, I had diligently kept track of my weight and my calories consumed. It was a food journal. Guess what? I weigh exactly the same as I did 6 years ago.

All that money I’ve spent on diets, cleanses, food – trying to lose weight – all that time and energy that I focused on changing myself and losing the weight I gained 7 years ago – all the starts and stops…and 6 years later, I’m still in the same place???

I kind of don’t even know what to do with that.

How does one process it? Does it matter? I wonder what Jillian Michaels would say to me? Probably that I have to really want to change?

Is that it? Have I not wanted it enough?

What is it? What can I do? God. I’m so sick of this journey. Of constantly trying and never moving…not even one step. WTF?

So anyway – I read this blog and I can tell…I know this girl so well because I know me…as soon as she stops writing, I know she’s fallen off track. I want to write her and give her the support that I dearly wish someone would give me (because, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this – when we are struggling, we must ask for help and get the support we need). I want to tell her that she is letting herself down once again and that making yet another promise or trying yet another fad isn’t the answer (the yogurt cleanse? really? yes you will release some weight after 3 days of yogurt – any time you cut out a food group you are going to lose weight – but hell, maybe that’s the point. I don’t know anymore).

But I don’t because the last time I posted a comment in response to one of her blog posts, she deleted me.   I wasn’t mean or anything but I said what I thought I’d want to hear in her situation and, I guess, I was wrong. She didn’t want to hear that. And honestly, I do the same thing. God, we emo eaters are so touchy. I think it’s part of the perfectionist tendencies…you know, we know what’s best for us and don’t you dare try to tell me differently!

So here’s the thing…if everything I’ve done over the past 6 years hasn’t worked – then maybe I need to change what I’ve been doing. Maybe I need to let go of the idea that I need to lose weight. Maybe I need to just eat clean, get some brisk cardio and a nice long meditative stretch on a daily basis…and that’s it. Let go of the attachment to any weight loss outcome. Just focus on doing things that will heal the broken parts of me.

To change my life, I am going to have to take a different path. The focus simply can no longer be on weight. It is scary for me to say that – because losing weight or being in the process of losing weight has been such a major part of my life for so long…it’s like an emotional crutch.

I need a shift in perspective. I need some magic (changing consciousness at will). My focus needs to be on having more energy, being more flexible, feeling good in my body – being able to flow and move easily.

Getting there will be from moving daily and feeding myself good, wholesome, real foods and supplements. It will come from learning to observe and rather than to REACT to every little blip on the radar.